tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16534508535372445352024-02-02T12:46:21.905-08:00Renaissance Wiferunning purely on coffee, adderall, and shiny syndromeMelody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-56436980165681249082015-07-01T20:10:00.005-07:002015-07-01T20:10:56.174-07:00My other secret for managing my anxiety, besides mindsetI intentionally wrote the previous piece in such a way that a person dealing with anxiety could find some hope in dealing with it themselves and roadmap for understanding how the whole thing works.<br />
<br />
In other words, empowering them by letting them know they already have the tools necessary to tackle their own anxiety without necessarily *needing* to depend on other people. Sometimes people with anxiety get locked into the idea that they NEED the therapist, that they NEED the meds, that they can't do it by themselves.<br />
<br />
That being said, having help is incredibly, um, helpful.<br />
<br />
For example, I wouldn't have known I went through panic attacks without my husband. I wouldn't even know that's how I manifested my anxiety without Chris. I wouldn't have made it to the doctor, tried eleventybillion things that didn't work, or faced the multiple triggers for my anxiety without Chris.<br />
<br />
He's held my hand, and the rest of me, through 10 years of panic. He's adapted his social life, adapted his home life, left social occasions early, skipped social events altogether, dealt with a million freak outs, and otherwise dealt with me as I dealt with my anxiety.<br />
<br />
He's also helped me work through a lot of the causes of my anxieties and kept me accountable.<br />
<br />
Why didn't I mention that in the list of ways to deal? Because not everyone gets a Chris, and in no way should that hold them back from trying.<br />
<br />
He's my best friend, husband, and counselor all wrapped up together in one person, and I'm very lucky to have him.<br />
<br />
I thank God that He saw fit to bring us together.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-46379739418309626912015-06-29T20:46:00.001-07:002015-06-29T20:46:42.952-07:00Anxiety, Failed Methods, Helpful Methods, and ACTHello there random reader-person,<br />
<br />
My name is Melody, though everyone calls me Mel. I'm a wife, a stay-at-home mom (what a misleading term), and a professional assistant. I'm a writer, a geek, a baker, and a lover of pretty shoes and designer lingerie.<br />
<br />
I'm also anxious as all hell, practically all the time. And I'm going to do something that pegs my anxiety to an incredible degree, all the way to the red zone.<br />
<br />
I'm going to write about anxiety.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My experience with anxiety</b></span><br />
<br />
I'm not a doctor. I don't have initials behind my name.<br />
<br />
... but if you're anything like me, you're sick of dealing with doctors, and counselors, and psychologists and psychiatrists anyway.<br />
<br />
What I am is a long-time sufferer of anxiety who spent much of her life undiagnosed and misunderstood. I've tried many methods, watched many methods fail, spent thousands of dollars on therapy, spent hundreds on self-help books, and finally figured out some stuff that actually worked.<br />
<br />
The technical list of psychiatric ailments I've been diagnosed with (in order of diagnosis and age):<br />
<br />
Depression (15)<br />
Bi-polar Disorder (17)<br />
PMDD (psychiatric symptoms are part of the disorder) (26)<br />
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (26)<br />
Social Anxiety Disorder (26)<br />
Panic Disorder (26)<br />
ADHD (30)<br />
<br />
Only one of those diagnoses is inaccurate (Bi-polar Disorder). The rest were incomplete without the full list.<br />
<br />
I've seen a lot of psychiatrists and counselors and taken a lot of different combinations of medications.<br />
<br />
As for when the anxiety started, it took my now-husband watching me go into a panic attack before anyone figured out that's what my "tantrums" were. Watching my then 3-year-old daughter suffer through a panic attack, my mother remarked "oh, we just thought those were tantrums".<br />
<br />
In other words anxiety and panic attacks became my companions at a very early age and, evidently, have a genetic component.<br />
<br />
Why am I laying this out on the table like this?<br />
<br />
I dealt with enough psychiatrists and counselors and well-meaning people who just DID. NOT. UNDERSTAND. Frankly, if you've never experienced a panic attack then you don't know how it feels, how out of control you feel, how ashamed you feel, how crazy you feel.<br />
<br />
That leads to getting several "helpful" suggestions that are anything but.<br />
<br />
So when I say I've found some methods just don't work, and some methods actually do, I've personally tested everything listed. When I say I've managed to significantly reduce the suffering that comes with my anxiety and the impact anxiety has on my life, that also means something.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Well maybe your anxiety is mild, and that's why it's so manageable...</b></span><br />
<br />
My life went from being a "normal" amount of anxiety-inducing events to a raging flood of doom in September 2010, when my ex-husband tricked a judge into letting him take my daughters out of the country.<br />
<br />
In January 2011 my husband's brother died suddenly. In February 2011, while we were at the memorial service, the IRS started auditing my husband due to lost records and seized all of the funds in our bank account. Also in February 2011 we found the cancer that caused my husband's health issues. In May 2011 we found out my husband's job of 6 years would be disappearing due to workforce reduction. In October 2011 the job officially ended. Contract work would be sporadic after that, and still is. February 2012 my husband's mother died AND the IRS seized our bank accounts, again. In August 2012 my husband went in for cancer surgery 2 days after we found out I was pregnant. We found out a few weeks later that he'd been close to dying. September 2012 saw radiation treatment and the repossession of one of our vehicles. Between September 2012 and February 2014 my husband's health fluctuated so badly that he came close to dying multiple times. In March 2013 our son was born. In August 2013 we were so financially strapped we had to leave a place we loved and move in with my father. In November 2013 we moved across the country for a job that ended up lasting only a few months. In January 2014 we ended up back at my father's while my husband struggled with health issues that almost killed him. In May 2014 we moved across the country again to live with a friend.<br />
<br />
It is now June 2015. Work has still been sporadic. We've lost another vehicle. My husband's health is finally somewhat under control. I'm handling a hyperactive hyperintelligent 2-year-old on a daily basis. We're broke, we're almost out of food, income is another month away, our car is currently undriveable, and yet THIS IS THE BEST WE'VE BEEN DOING IN YEARS.<br />
<br />
I know about anxiety and stress y'all. The very fact that I'm not hiding in bed 24/7 is an indication of how far I've come in managing my anxiety.<br />
<br />
10 years ago this level of stress and anxiety would have had me popping Xanax like mad in order to not be a completely non-functional shaking mass of human hiding from the world.<br />
<br />
I know of what I speak.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Methods I've tried and discontinued for various reasons</b></span><br />
<br />
Counselors<br />
Life coaches<br />
Psychiatrists<br />
Talk therapy<br />
"Parenting myself"<br />
Several antidepressants<br />
Xanax<br />
"Working through it"<br />
... all forms of navel-gazing<br />
<br />
<br />
Seriously, if it involves "tell me about your mother" I've done it. Identify the causes. Figure out the past. Find out why I am the way I am. Try to fix my brain. Try to undo the damage. Blame other people. Blame myself.<br />
<br />
None of it worked, and I was on a timeline.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>What actually started working</b></span><br />
<br />
My mother's anxiety kept me socially isolated and therefore badly socialized.<br />
<br />
I wanted better for my kids.<br />
<br />
So despite the fact that social interaction caused me varying levels of anxiety ranging between "get me the hell out of here" and "full-blown panic attack" I did what I needed to give my kids the socialization they needed.<br />
<br />
I interacted with the other mothers at school on a daily basis. I talked to the teachers. I volunteered at the school. I took the kids to after school activities, playdates, and birthday parties.<br />
<br />
I started to notice something.<br />
<br />
Every time got a little bit easier. Not no anxiety, just less anxiety. Like a person with a phobia going through aversion therapy, my anxiety became more and more manageable.<br />
<br />
Not gone, just manageable. Like my threshold increased.<br />
<br />
The panic attacks started to diminish in number and intensity, but still plagued me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Aversion therapy was not enough</b></span><br />
<br />
Aversion therapy didn't get me all the way there. We moved during this time, and leaving behind old patterns and habits helped. Continuing the aversion therapy through social interaction helped, as long as I kept pushing my limits. Knowing my limits and not pushing too far past them helped. Self-care and proper nutrition and rest helped. Self compassion helped as well.<br />
<br />
The anxiety still plagued me. I still wanted to be rid of the anxiety and panic attacks forever. I wanted to be "normal", to not be "sick", to be "healthy".<br />
<br />
So while I reduced my anxiety, life circumstances never let up and I was always one more major problem away from rolling panic attacks. I'd made tremendous progress but life seemed intent on throwing even more anxiety and panic inducing circumstances my way.<br />
<br />
While my ability to deal with the anxiety increased, the physical symptoms of the anxiety also increased and made me utterly miserable.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Sometimes you just need to ask the right person</b></span><br />
<br />
In this case the right person ended up being a friend who is a doctor who told me to look into an alternate therapy concept called ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.<br />
<br />
ACT ended up being extremely helpful, and while I still end up in occasional panic attacks (low food supplies mixed with lack of cash mixed with changing life circumstances outside of my control is my panic-causing kryptonite) the panic attacks have gone from controlling me to being annoying. If one more major life stress is resolved I expect the panic attacks to leave me be until something else potentially life-ending occurs.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>But isn't the goal to get rid of the panic attacks and anxiety?</b></span><br />
<br />
That's an awesome, noble goal. I've spent years of my life chasing that particular goal.<br />
<br />
I've got next to nothing to show for it, other than an empty bank account and a huge stack of self-help books that didn't help at all.<br />
<br />
Learning to live with the anxiety and manage how it affects my life, well, that's actually improving my life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>That's the goal of ACT: learning to live, function, and pursue your goals despite the anxiety</b></span><br />
<br />
Remember when you thought figuring out why you were the way you were would suddenly resolve the issue and make you a healthy person without insane levels of anxiety?<br />
<br />
How well did that work?<br />
<br />
It doesn't. That kind of navel-gazing makes the assumption that your anxiety somehow responds to logic and conscious attempts to change.<br />
<br />
That's a faulty assumption.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. Understanding the "why" is useful, in that it helps you practice the self-compassion you'll need to manage your anxiety. It's just not the end.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The fundamental assumption of ACT: your brain is a dirty, dirty liar that isn't interested in your happiness, only in avoiding pain</span></b><br />
<br />
This makes sense. Happiness isn't a survival strategy, Avoiding pain is an awesome survival strategy, if your life isn't complex.<br />
<br />
Panic attacks are often associated with the "fight or flight" instinct and tend to happen in situations in which you don't pick either option. Your brain has associated the anxiety-causing situation with pain or fear and therefore tries to get you to get the hell away because it might kill you.<br />
<br />
Useful reaction, if the situation is coming across a mama bear in the wild. Detrimental reaction if it's your first day at a new job and your brain is balking at the concept of the unknown. "What are you doing?!?!?!?!?!" your brain screams "we've never been there before and there might be a predator hiding in there!"<br />
<br />
Congratulations! Your insanely low anxiety threshold would have made you more likely to survive and have children who survived... when we were still in caves.<br />
<br />
Our brains haven't exactly caught up to our new world order.<br />
<br />
Even better, our brains can "learn" to identify more situations as dangerous because they cause us emotional pain. Ever been heckled on stage? Stage fright for you from now on. Been bullied? Let's avoid other people, because they cause us pain. Cheated on? Have a freak out every time your new man is out of sight, courtesy of your brain learning that situation causes pain.<br />
<br />
There's nothing conscious about this. Your brain would just rather avoid the pain. It's not smart enough to reason through the fact that no risks means no change, and no possible increase in happiness.<br />
<br />
In order to convince you that you're better off avoiding those situations, your brain plays a dirty trick on you: it lets you think it's right and that your emotions are right and based on reality. In other words it lies to you and lets you think that your thoughts and emotions are truthful and real.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Thoughts and emotions do not necessarily reflect reality</span></b><br />
<br />
How much conscious control do you have over your thoughts and emotions?<br />
<br />
Try not to think of the pink elephant.<br />
<br />
That's how much control you have over your thoughts, next to none.<br />
<br />
Ever watch a movie and burst into tears?<br />
<br />
That's how much control you have over your emotions, so little that someone who doesn't even know you can manipulate your emotions.<br />
<br />
ACT is about recognizing that your thoughts and emotions aren't you and don't necessarily reflect reality.<br />
<br />
This is a radical departure from therapies that you may have tried before because...<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">ACT isn't an attempt to "fix" your brain, it's an attempt to learn to live with your brain</span></b><br />
<br />
What happens if you accept that your thoughts and emotions aren't necessarily real or truthful and your brain manufactures anxiety based on unconscious assumptions that you don't control?<br />
<br />
You stop trying to control it. You accept the way your brain works. You accept that the thoughts and emotions exist but don't necessarily mean anything.<br />
<br />
That's the A in ACT. Acceptance. Your brain, your thoughts, your emotions are not "you" and not fully under your control.<br />
<br />
Try not to think of the pink elephant. Try to keep the image out of your mind.<br />
<br />
Now think of the pink elephant and let your attention go somewhere else.<br />
<br />
What took less energy and ended the thoughts fastest? Struggling with them and trying to control them, or noticing and letting them go?<br />
<br />
Emotions are much the same. Ever try *not* to be angry at someone? How well did that work? What about just admitting you're angry, accepting it, and moving on to something else?<br />
<br />
How much did your anxiety level just drop?<br />
<br />
One of the theories behind ACT is that the act of trying to control the anxiety, the thoughts, and the emotions is actually more painful and damaging than just letting the anxiety, thoughts, and emotions happen.<br />
<br />
You notice the anxiety, you notice the symptoms, you notice the thoughts, you notice the emotions, you accept that they exist, you let them go (there's several techniques for this that can be found in any book outlining ACT), and you go act in accordance with your values and goals without regard to the anxiety.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">ACT isn't about how you think or feel, it's about what you do</span></b><br />
<br />
What would you do if you didn't have anxiety? Finally finish that book? Get a degree? Ask that person out on a date?<br />
<br />
ACT is about learning to do what you want and need to do despite the anxiety, thoughts, or emotions that plague you.<br />
<br />
That's what the C stands for: commitment. Commitment to your values and goals.<br />
<br />
Is a clean house important to you? Do you go into a panic attack any time you start to clean because of past trauma (I do)?<br />
<br />
The goal of ACT is learning to clean the house despite the panic it will induce. Or talking to a stranger, Or being on the stage.<br />
<br />
The goal is to act in accordance with your values and goals. The side effect is a reduction in anxiety,<br />
<br />
Think about it. Doing things despite your anxiety is just another form of aversion therapy. Every time you do what causes you anxiety and you don't suffer harm, you brain (as stupid as it is) believes in the supposed danger of the situation a little bit less.<br />
<br />
Do it enough, and the brain barely puts up a protest anymore.<br />
<br />
Keep avoiding it however, and the brain continues to think the situation is horribly dangerous and must be avoided at all costs. The more you think about it, the more anxiety you feel, the more your brain interprets the anxiety as pain and danger, the more powerful the anxiety becomes.<br />
<br />
Learn how to push forward despite the anxiety, and the anxiety starts dropping.<br />
<br />
Counterintuitive, huh?<br />
<br />
ACT is about learning methods for letting go of the thoughts and emotions so you can do what you want to do. There's mindfulness techniques, relaxation techniques, techniques for resolving panic attacks, the whole deal. More techniques than I can list here.<br />
<br />
Eventually you get practiced enough that you don't need the crutch in the form of the techniques. You just accept what's going through your head and go on your merry way doing whatever it is you need or want to do.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">So why did I spend so much time going over ACT?</span></b><br />
<br />
Frankly, it's a new way of thinking about therapy, and... well...<br />
<br />
Okay fine, Psychologists seem to only speak two languages: jargon, and "woo".<br />
<br />
I understand jargon to a certain extent. I hate hate hate "woo".<br />
<br />
Jargon makes them sound smart and gives specific words for specific purposes. Woo sells self-help books.<br />
<br />
I should know. I have an entire stack of them.<br />
<br />
For example:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Developed within a coherent theoretical and philosophical framework, <a href="https://contextualscience.org/act">Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)</a> is a unique empirically based psychological intervention that uses acceptance and mindfulness strategies, together with commitment and behavior change strategies, to increase psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility means contacting the present moment fully as a conscious human being, and based on what the situation affords, changing or persisting in behavior in the service of chosen values.</blockquote>
I can't tell if that's a mission statement or a description of a new religion, or both.<br />
<br />
I love the book I picked up on the subject, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1435634952&sr=8-1&keywords=the+happiness+trap&pebp=1435634954376&perid=12Z8YSAW8S38PHY7C6GA">The Happiness Trap</a>, but it even has a sprinkling of the woo, enough that sometimes it sounds like the psychological equivalent of healing crystals.<br />
<br />
It's not, it's actually very useful, the techniques outlined are very useful, the ways of looking at things are very useful.<br />
<br />
If you're expecting anyone writing a self-help book based on clinical therapy techniques to somehow translate into layman properly, you're expecting too much.<br />
<br />
That's why I was asked to write something up from the patient's perspective, and why I encourage you to look into ACT and aversion therapy as techniques for dealing with anxiety. They actually do work, and while my anxiety is not gone with a combination of the techniques I'm improving my life despite the panic.<br />
<br />
Rather than wait to be perfectly healthy, I'm doing what I need and want to do the way I am, at this moment.<br />
<br />
I'd rather be happier now than keep trying for a perfect that will never happen.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-27958499297177899752015-03-27T11:48:00.002-07:002015-03-27T11:48:49.375-07:00No nap! No nap!I'm trying something new today (on several levels), including trying to build some new a beneficial habits.<br />
<br />
Like writing every day and actually getting around to putting my contacts in and makeup on every day.<br />
<br />
Today Christopher and I got up late so I missed my window for putting on my makeup. So after I put him down for his nap I went into the master to actually do my makeup.<br />
<br />
15 minutes later I came back out to find Christopher trying to figure out how to open his bedroom door. Looks like another no nap day.<br />
<br />
Sigh.<br />
<br />
At least he's being distracted enough that I can get this writing done and if I'm really, really lucky I might get to unload and load the dishwasher without "assistance".Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-13215494508702068082015-03-25T10:54:00.002-07:002015-03-25T10:54:34.256-07:00Well that didn't take long...Post about scheduling. Then the schedule changes.<br />
<br />
Good news is Chris is going into the office later, therefore we're waking up later, which is full of awesome as far as I'm concerned.<br />
<br />
However that means the time between Chris leaving and Christopher waking up is now considerably smaller, and is better used in self-care. Things like taking a shower and actually doing that thing where I put in contacts and apply makeup.<br />
<br />
At least that means I'm wearing makeup again, which is a very good thing.<br />
<br />
Christopher is still taking naps, so I at least have that window, and honestly if I take care of myself properly it's the best window.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-32967860013710743612015-03-24T05:05:00.001-07:002015-03-24T05:05:20.399-07:00Figuring out a scheduleWriting is not compatible with the toddler as he is now. Therefore writing needs to happen while he's asleep.<br />
<br />
Since the only times Christopher is asleep are at night and his single nap, I need to write in one of these windows:<br />
<br />
1. In the morning when I'm up before Christopher is up and after Chris leaves for work.<br />
2. Nap time.<br />
3. After Christopher goes to sleep for the night.<br />
<br />
I'm usually too wiped after he goes to sleep for the night, naps are extremely variable (and frankly sometimes I need to take a nap with him), so that leaves first thing in the morning.<br />
<br />
I am NOT a morning person.<br />
<br />
Looks like I'll need to learn to be a morning person.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-79457244534724004182015-03-19T08:46:00.001-07:002015-03-19T08:46:25.728-07:00So... this is awkward...I need to get back to writing again. It's a matter of life or death, or more accurately sanity or insanity.<br />
<br />
Yes I have a hyperactive, hyperintelligent toddler who keeps me on my toes constantly. I still need to frickin write.<br />
<br />
I'm so out of practice though, so it's going to take me a bit to find my feet and find things to write about. And there are some seriously important things I need to write about that I'm terrified to air.<br />
<br />
So this should be interesting.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-26933247947744824882014-11-01T11:03:00.000-07:002014-11-01T11:03:19.859-07:00Christopher's Halloween StashYesterday I took Christopher trick-or-treating the first time.<br />
<br />
Our house is on an acre lot and so are the rest of the houses on the street. Christopher insisted on walking on his own (with Monkey, his backpack/ safety harness of course) so we only made it about 8 houses or so before he started getting too tired.<br />
<br />
The nice lady who lives at the house next to our neighbor insisted on walking us around since she didn't have her 2-year-old nephew to walk around (he was too sick).<br />
<br />
That's when I learned about elderly Floridians inviting strange people into their houses, but that's a whole different post.<br />
<br />
I set out our own Halloween candy on the porch while we were out trick-or-treating. As far as I can tell we didn't get a single trick-or-treater so the bowl was still filled to the brim.<br />
<br />
So last night after the boy passed out I went to go get ice cream. Before I left I brought the big bowl of candy for the nonexistent trick-or-treaters in and put it beside the front door. I didn't care that it was within easy reach of Christopher because he was asleep.<br />
<br />
While I was gone Christopher woke up and was inconsolable and looking for me so Chris let him out of the bedroom to run off some energy. I was already on my way back at this point. When I got back I found Christopher rifling through the candy in the (normally toddler-safe) entry way.<br />
<br />
I didn't think anything of it until this morning when Christopher reached into a formerly candy-devoid toy box and pulled out a lollipop.<br />
<br />
He'd pulled out several items from the candy bowl and squirreled them away in various places in the house.<br />
<br />
I honestly do not know whether to encourage this behavior or not. On one hand he was thinking of the future and making sure he'd have candy available; on the other hand I need to go make sure we're not going to get ants.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-43669380522318774582014-10-29T08:32:00.000-07:002014-10-29T08:32:04.679-07:00This is why Mommy drinksAnother day, another new challenge with a toddler.<br />
<br />
Today he figured out how to undo the bungees that keep him from opening our back gate. Since the child requires constant supervision anyway I got to watch this process unfold.<br />
<br />
He's got a lot of patience for an 18-month-old. At least when it comes to figuring out how to thwart something in his way. Half my job is making sure he doesn't come to harm while/after thwarting all of the obstacles meant to keep him safe.<br />
<br />
It's an exasperating and exhausting job.<br />
<br />
Someone's gotta do it.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-23268192252409925512014-09-10T07:37:00.000-07:002014-09-10T07:37:05.056-07:00Tough Day Here...It's our younger daughter's 11th birthday.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She's still in Canada with my ex-husband. We're still not able to finish up the legal action required to get both of the girls back.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This year, unlike years past, I don't have a big looming life-threatening emergency to distract me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's been 4 years.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That is all.</div>
Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-73839536446067358542014-07-01T18:48:00.001-07:002014-07-01T18:48:45.296-07:00Today July 1, 2014Today...<br />
<br />
I learned that sometimes the craving for caffeine is a sign that shit's about to get interesting.<br />
<br />
I learned that I can do certain portions of Chris's job while under pressure.<br />
<br />
My best laid plans died a horrible death while I was doing the above.<br />
<br />
I woke up this morning to find my 15-month-old replaced by a child with the mental and emotional development of a two-year-old and the willful streak to match.<br />
<br />
I learned that prepping for dinner can be enough entertainment for two children...<br />
<br />
Provided it doesn't take too long.<br />
<br />
I learned that I still shouldn't attempt cooking angel hair pasta because I still suck at it.<br />
<br />
I discovered my 130-lb dog has decided the boy is an awesome playmate, and that he must object to the boy going to bed before he's played enough.<br />
<br />
I learned I only have so much tolerance for being kicked.<br />
<br />
Life is full of little lessons.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-67794308447591487032014-03-23T09:37:00.000-07:002014-03-23T09:37:04.007-07:00I must be absolutely insane...Yes, I'm alive. Really I am.<br />
<br />
Avoid writing? No, I don't do that, not at all...<br />
<br />
Um, yeah. I do.<br />
<br />
Here's the deal... I have this BIG fiction project that's been percolating in my mind for a year and a half. And I've been avoiding working on it for a year and a half, much to my detriment.<br />
<br />
Much like I've been avoiding writing on this blog.<br />
<br />
Wonder if there's any connection?<br />
<br />
So what am I doing? I'm dedicating time every day to the big fiction project.<br />
<br />
And so I don't wimp out, I'm doing it before I do anything else in the morning other than feed the kiddo, get dressed, and have my tea.<br />
<br />
I haven't even had my adderall yet.<br />
<br />
Thus why I'm sitting on the couch, watching the baby escape through the doggie door to explore the back yard, play in the dog's water, and get muddy.<br />
<br />
I'm surrounded by dirty clothes, dirty dishes, scattered toys, and piles of stuff that needs to be dealt with.<br />
<br />
Still, here I am, laptop at the ready, writing before doing anything else that's "necessary". Because writing is necessary too.<br />
<br />
I've heard tell that famous writers have desks, and order, and solitude.<br />
<br />
I'm surrounded by mess, watching the baby get dirty, with the sounds of Ice Age in the background.<br />
<br />
Meh, I'll take what I can get.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-15720164160866848262013-01-21T15:44:00.001-08:002013-01-21T15:44:46.504-08:00Not So Optional After AllSorry for the lack of posting. Life has been... stressful.<br />
<br />
So at this point I'm 28 weeks pregnant. 11 weeks and a bit to go! But I am tired, so very tired. I'm not used to being this fatigued and life stress is just adding to the fatigue. I swear, if I got news tomorrow that my husband was employed I would be much more energetic!<br />
<br />
That being said, I've slacked off on a couple of things. A few of them are truly unnecessary, but a few of them make me feel enough better on a daily basis that I'm able to tackle more.<br />
<br />
Adderall used to be fairly optional. It's very much not. Caffeine used to be optional. Now I might as well hook myself up with a caffeine IV.<br />
<br />
Today took both adderall and caffeine.<br />
<br />
Turns out my morning makeup routine is also very, very necessary.<br />
<br />
I don't know what it is about doing my makeup in the morning but it seems to put my mindset into "work" mode. Something about the ritual, about applying everything in the required order and cleaning the brushes afterward, is very calming. I need that bit of calm right now.<br />
<br />
Should it be voluntary? Definitely. Is it at the moment? No, not really. It's one of those few things about life that I feel like I have complete control over.<br />
<br />
So today I took back control. I spent an hour and a half cleaning out the master bathroom and cleaning up my mess of makeup.<br />
<br />
Are there other projects that really needed my attention, and were higher priority? Of course, there always are. But tomorrow I get to roll out of bed and walk through a messy bedroom into a bastion of peace and order with everything I need right there. If I do things right, I can do that every day.<br />
<br />
That's definitely worth an hour and a half of work.<br />
<br />Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-18404140997321953082013-01-03T22:02:00.000-08:002013-01-03T22:02:03.693-08:00Mel Want - Guerlain Gigolo (70) Rouge GNot that I can afford it (now or anytime soon), but that doesn't keep me from wanting it:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31PQGHi0P7L.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31PQGHi0P7L.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
This is why:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.temptalia.com/images/fall2011/guerlain_gigolo003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="http://www.temptalia.com/images/fall2011/guerlain_gigolo003.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
(from <a href="http://www.temptalia.com/">Tempatalia</a>, who you really should be reading)<br />
<br />
Wow that's gorgeous...<br />
<br />Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-41851251676694577122012-11-17T13:13:00.001-08:002012-11-17T13:13:31.105-08:00Things I'm Going to Do AfterLooking forward at Thanksgiving, I don't think I've ever been this depressed. A lot of it is exhaustion, yes, but a lot of it is looking at another holiday season without the girls. I need to get my head past the next couple of months.<br />
<br />
And so, in the middle of this financial, medical, mental, and emotional crisis, a list of things I will be doing once finances get worked out:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Buying more lingerie, either <a href="http://www.belabumbum.com/">Belabumbum</a> or something similarly maternity-friendly.</li>
<li>Getting an entire set of <a href="http://en.pebeo.com/Creative-leisure/Painting-on-China-and-Ceramic/Porcelaine-150-Paint">Pebeo Porcelaine 150</a> paints for my tile and mosaic work.</li>
<li>Buying maternity clothes as a whole.</li>
<li>Setting up the baby stuff and nursery, piece by piece.</li>
<li>Buying furniture for the upstairs reading nook, or buying a new living room couch and moving our current couch up where it belongs.</li>
<li>Just plain not worrying so goddamn much about everything.</li>
</ul>
<div>
These are my goals, and this is where my head needs to be, on things getting better.</div>
Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-91382956933373362982012-11-15T17:09:00.002-08:002012-11-15T17:09:52.502-08:00IdentityHello poor, neglected blog.<br />
<br />
The reasons for the neglect and the motivation for this post all come from the same place.<br />
<br />
I'm having an identity crisis. A very deep, very personal, very destructive identity crisis.<br />
<br />
Go me?<br />
<br />
In all seriousness though, I finally reached an understanding of why this would be.<br />
<br />
At the time of my last posting on this blog life seemed very different. Chris was about to undergo surgery and that was all that was on my mind.<br />
<br />
I didn't yet know that I was pregnant. I didn't know Chris would be undergoing radioactive iodine treatment. I had no idea what was coming.<br />
<br />
Now all of that is in the rearview mirror and I find myself trying desperately to deal. Crisis mode is *mostly* over and it's on to dealing with the future.<br />
<br />
The fun thing about crisis mode is that while you're dealing with it you have no idea what you're doing to yourself. As you pare down life in order to deal with the shitstorm you don't realize what you're giving up and what you'll need to do once it's over.<br />
<br />
Between being a wife, mother, expectant mother, housewife, dog owner and cat owner, I'd lost complete track of everything I am that is completely separate from all of the above.<br />
<br />
There's an inherent danger in being _______'s _______. Chris's wife. The girls' mother. Baby's mother. Jayne's owner. Eva's foster mother/mistress (she is a dog after all). All of these roles are defined by some other living thing. And I'd lost sight of everything <i>but </i>those roles.<br />
<br />
The problem with all of those roles? Success in them can only be gauged second-hand through the success of the primary subject.<br />
<br />
Am I a good wife? Doesn't that depend on Chris, and isn't that best determined by him? Am I a good mother? How do I know without the kids? If one of the dogs won't stop barking, does that mean I'm failing, or is there something else involved?<br />
<br />
Then there's the bigger picture. Who am I in the world? As far as 99% of the blogosphere is concerned my first identity is "Chris's wife". At the doctors I am "the cancer patient's wife". At the vet I am "Jayne's owner".<br />
<br />
None of those are really who I am, or even scratch the surface. I've allowed myself to get to the point that I'm only known as _______'s _________.<br />
<br />
Even in blogging and online I've kind of relegated myself to the same positions. I blog on Chris's blog, but it's still his. My involvement in the forum is secondary, not primary. Even on various social sites my involvement is only secondary. I go to club meetings where Chris is the far better known person and I'm still "the wife".<br />
<br />
Granted this is at least partially because Chris has such a big personality and such a big presence, but still...<br />
<br />
Where am I just "Mel"?<br />
<br />
That's a big question, and the reality is that through a mixture of circumstances and personal choice I've made it this way. I've refused to spend the time and energy necessary to be "just Mel". When your life revolves around your family and your home and your job is your family and home, _______'s ______ is the default. Being known only for yourself is far more difficult. It's also impossible, honestly. There is no going back in many ways.<br />
<br />
Just because I'll always be _______'s ______ doesn't mean I can't be Mel at the same time. I just need to carve out some room for myself. Focus on some things some of the time that don't revolve around or include the family. Focus on some things and some projects where the success of my efforts depends only on me and therefore can be measured in a way that is clear and makes sense. Make a name for myself in some circles where I'm known primarily for myself and not for my family.<br />
<br />
I have tons of interests where I can do that. I have tons of things I want to get into but between circumstances and guilt I've avoided taking the plunge. I just need to take the plunge. Maybe then I'll feel like I exist as someone separate. Maybe.<br />
<br />
It's worth a shot.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-54210806691277782222012-08-08T11:04:00.001-07:002012-08-08T11:04:38.871-07:00Life ChangesThis past week presented a huge challenge to me personally.<br />
<br />
In 5 days my husband goes under the knife for what will most likely be a total thyroidectomy. The tumor is finally coming out. Yay!<br />
<br />
There is however a rather un-expected side to the story.<br />
<br />
By taking the rate of growth over the tumor between the two ultrasounds so far and assuming that's the fastest it's grown we've determined the tumor probably originated 9-10 years ago and reached a detectable size somewhere around 9 years ago.<br />
<br />
So that's how long he went undiagnosed, 8 years or so.<br />
<br />
That's... big.<br />
<br />
We'd been chasing down the cause of his symptoms for 5 years when the diagnosis finally came in last March. To look at the past and think, "wow how long has this thing been fucking with you" turned out interesting. Symptoms initially assigned to things like prior trauma, age, and stress take on a whole new spin.<br />
<br />
Who knows what will happen past surgery? Who knows what will get better? At the very least we'll finally be able to treat the thyroid symptoms, but what else might be improved?<br />
<br />
It is both exhilarating, and terrifying.<br />
<br />
Most people look to the future with at the very least a naive, deluded idea of what will happen (and most of the time they're mostly right if the status quo is the answer).<br />
<br />
Me? I got none of that at the moment. Completely clueless.<br />
<br />
It's terrifying and exciting.<br />
<br />
There are also other things going on in the background contributing to all of this; Chris is looking for a new job, I'm still working studiously on un-fucking myself, and the entire world seems extremely full of possibility at the moment.<br />
<br />
Exhilarating. Terrifying.<br />
<br />
I've been jumping between those two feelings all week. I'm raring to go and get the one thing I can pinpoint in my life calendar over and done with. I'm literally counting down the hours.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-60648211474447249212012-07-31T10:57:00.000-07:002012-07-31T10:57:09.449-07:00Mel's Manifesto<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Most
people keep at least a few versions of themselves on hands. The face
they turn towards family, the face for friends, the face for work.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My
versions are a bit more disparate than most in that some facets of
who I am aren't welcome in the circles that other facets move in.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Or
at least that's what I told myself for a long, long time.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm
really fucking tired of it. I'm tired of tamping down my emotions in
fear of offending someone I like, I'm tired of not speaking my mind
because I don't want a fight, I'm tired of not being all of me all of
the time.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Life
is too complicated and too weird to be adding more complication in
the name of avoiding conflict. What's worse is it's not even real
conflict. It's either what I imagined or its conflict because someone
else can't imagine a world in which someone breaks their long-held
stereotypes or otherwise makes them think.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So
I'm avoiding imaginary conflict, or conflict with morons.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How
about I just write, and say, and act all of the ways I am all of the
time? Wouldn't that be a tad bit simpler?</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Oh,
I'll still have to bite my tongue every now and then. Some things
certainly don't belong out in public and I DO still have a custody
case going on.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But
the rest? Why do I give a fuck?</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So
here's my manifesto: all of me, all of the time.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Because
it's the right thing to do. Because it will keep me from going
insane. Because it's what I need to do.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">All
of me, all of the time.</span></span></div>Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-4268698593538133532012-06-18T12:43:00.000-07:002012-06-18T12:43:01.277-07:00One Connection I Never Thought I'd MakeI'm re-listening to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Uncertainty-Turning-Fear-Doubt-Brilliance/dp/159184424X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340047097&sr=8-1&keywords=uncertainty">Uncertainty</a> at the moment. Why re-listening? Honestly, I thought I would get more out of it this time.<br />
<br />
I'm definitely getting more out of it this time.<br />
<br />
In the meantime I'm still struggling with the Un-Fucking Project and its inherent difficulties.<br />
<br />
One of the later chapters of Uncertainty goes over the inevitable point in a project when the temptation to quit is overwhelming and when the thought of quitting fills you with such relief that you're absolutely convinced you should give up. We all reach this point in a huge creative endeavor at one point or another and it can literally sink us.<br />
<br />
Fields developed a test for knowing whether it truly is time to quit or if the sense of relief is from letting go of the creative angst. If it's letting go of angst it means the project isn't the problem, the <i>resistance</i> is the problem.<br />
<br />
His very simple test is a visualization. Imagine its two years from now and your project has to come to fruition in all it's glory. You're reaping the benefits and you've accomplished what you wanted to accomplish with this massive outpouring of creative energy. How do you feel? Where do you feel it? Are you happy and contented?<br />
<br />
If the answer is happy, contented, thrilled, and you feel it through your entire body, then the temptation to quit isn't because the project is worth quitting. The temptation to quit is instead from what Steven Pressfield calls the Resistance.<br />
<br />
The Resistance is a very difficult concept to translate, but I'll do my best. It's actually better to think of the Resistance as an opposite. Take your calling, your creative endeavors, your very mission in life, that "thing you can't not do", and all of the hard work and delayed gratification that goes into every bit of work towards that goal.<br />
<br />
The Resistance is the opposite.<br />
<br />
The Resistance is what tells you your work is futile. The Resistance is what hides in your fears and tells you you can't possibly make it. The Resistance is what tells you to sacrifice tomorrow for today.<br />
<br />
In physics terms, if creative energy is an object in motion, the Resistance is what attempts to make that object be at rest instead, and STAY there. It's ruthless and uses every bit of fear and uncertainty in order to keep us from progressing.<br />
<br />
So in light of Fields' test I decided to sit down and run the test on my current projects and goals. Some of them required tweaking (the true goal was not what I first envisioned) but most of them survived this test.<br />
<br />
One of the results though truly blew me away.<br />
<br />
Sure "have another baby" and "get Chris healthy" and "get the kids back and healthy" ranked really high on the "want it so bad I can taste it scale".<br />
<br />
They were nothing compared to "make myself sane and healthy."<br />
<br />
Turns out what the Un-Fucking Project is designed to bring about is what I want most desperately in this world. To be in control of my life and my destiny and moreover, myself.<br />
<br />
It's also the project I feel the most angst and resistance about, to the point of engaging in multiple levels and forms of avoiding the project including rationalizing, bullshitting myself, and outright avoidance.<br />
<br />
I never thought to apply the concept of Resistance to the goal of making myself healthy and sane. But then it makes sense.<br />
<br />
What greater creative endeavor do any of us have than creating our own life? What will ever top that act of creation?<br />
<br />
Fortunately enough I already own Steven Pressfield's book which covers Resistance, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-War-Art-Through-Creative/dp/1936891026">The War of Art</a>.<br />
<br />
I've started re-reading the War of Art with a whole new appreciation for its meaning.<br />
<br />Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-90925063164861069412012-06-12T13:39:00.000-07:002012-06-12T13:39:16.294-07:00On Life Purpose and PhobiasI've decided to take up meditation.<br />
<br />
This could be a very dangerous idea.<br />
<br />
I've decided to take up meditation so I can gain more control over the swirling chaos which is my internal thought process. More specifically, I decided to take up meditation <i>today</i> because the hormonally agitated anxiety started getting to me.<br />
<br />
Like most things I started looking for the "perfect" way to meditate. Like most pursuits of perfection, it failed.<br />
<br />
Sigh.<br />
<br />
Once again, I had forgotten that sometimes the answer is to just do it.<br />
<br />
So I tried, with a modicum of success.<br />
<br />
Nobody ever warns you about these things. That if you do X, you might unlock Y.<br />
<br />
I carry all of my stress and my pain in one part of my body, my uterus. In chakra terms, when my uterus becomes unblocked, all of me becomes unblocked.<br />
<br />
I'm a submissive in a long-term 24/7 relationship so I've gotten quite used to not doing my own unblocking. Problem is, the stronger I've become mentally and emotionally, the harder its been to get unblocked.<br />
<br />
Grr.<br />
<br />
I hoped meditation would help.<br />
<br />
It helped a little too much.<br />
<br />
Ever have one of those "aha" moments, when you realize just how much of a moron you've been?<br />
<br />
Yeah....<br />
<br />
So all of this blockage is coming out emotionally and I can see clear as day two things:<br />
<br />
1. My primary purpose in life is to create, nurture, and grow.<br />
2. I spend the vast majority of my life erecting roadblocks because I'm afraid of my primary purpose in life.<br />
<br />
Fun, huh?<br />
<br />
The really awesome part was recognizing that I'd avoided consciously associating the two because of the sheer <i>simplicity</i> of my life purpose.<br />
<br />
As far as I thought, I didn't HAVE a life purpose.<br />
<br />
Oh, I love to create. Love love love. But I'd always associated life purpose with something more tangible.<br />
<br />
"Look at Sister Mary over there. She heard the call. She's dedicating her life to the church."<br />
"Look at Ann. The only thing she's ever wanted to be is a wife and mother."<br />
"I've always wanted to be a policeman."<br />
"I've always wanted to be a doctor."<br />
"I've always wanted to cure cancer."<br />
<br />
<i>Oh, look at them. How blessed they are to have a calling. Wonder what I should do?</i><br />
<br />
Dumbass.<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/calling">call·ing</a><span class="pg" style="display: inline; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; padding-right: 3px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">noun</span></span></span><span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">1.</span></span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">the</span></span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">act</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">person</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">thing</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">that</span> <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/call" style="color: #333333;">calls</a><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">.</span><span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">2.</span></span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">vocation,</span></span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">profession,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">trade:</span> <span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">What</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">is</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">your</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">calling?</span></span></span><span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">3.</span></span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">a</span></span> <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/call" style="color: #333333;">call</a> <span id="hotword" style="position: static;"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">summons:</span> </span><span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">He</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">had</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">calling</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">join</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">the</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">church.</span></span></span><span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">4.</span></span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">a</span></span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">strong</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">impulse</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">inclination:</span> <span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">She</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">did</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">it</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">in</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">response</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">an</span><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">inner</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">calling.</span></span></span><span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">5.</span></span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">a</span></span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">convocation:</span> <span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">the</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">calling</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">Congress.</span></span></span><b><i><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">Origin:</span></i> </b><span class="rom-inline" style="display: inline;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">1200–50;</span></span> <span class="rom-inline" style="display: inline;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">Middle</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">English;</span> </span><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">see</span> </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/call" style="color: #333333;">call</a><span id="hotword" style="position: static;">, </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/-ing" style="color: #333333;">-ing</a><span class="x" style="text-decoration: underline;"><sup style="bottom: 1ex; font-size: 0.75em; height: 0px; line-height: 1; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"><span id="hotword" style="position: static;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">1</span></span></sup></span><br /><span class="sectionLabel" style="display: inline; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">Synonyms</span> </span><span class="secondary-bf" style="display: inline; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">2.</span></span> <span id="hotword" style="font-family: verdana; position: static;"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">mission,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">province,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">forte,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">specialty,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">field.</span> </span></blockquote>
<br />
<b>Calling (Mel's definition)</b>: that thing you must do, or else it fucks you up<br />
<br />
I love to write. Never felt the calling as a writer, and I can't define myself AS a writer, as I don't wake up every morning thinking how much I need to write. Baker? Same thing. Artisan? Yep.<br />
<br />
There is something I wake up thinking about how much I need to, MUST, go do.<br />
<br />
Create. Nurture. Grow.<br />
<br />
I've wanted another child for a long, long time. Can't do it right now but the pull is strong. I love all babies; human, animals, plants. I love them all.<br />
<br />
I feel a compulsion to write when moved. I feel a compulsion to design, to draw, to piece, to photograph, to take rare elements and make something new from them.<br />
<br />
So what if my calling is EXTREMELY vague. That just leaves more opportunities to fulfill the need.<br />
<br />
..... and more opportunities to fuck it up.<br />
<br />
Creation SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME.<br />
<br />
It's what I must do. It's what I'm here for. It scares the fuck out of me.<br />
<br />
Blame my dad if you want, and all of his talk about starving artists. Blame my tendency to rely on the opinions of others. Blame it on whatever. I'm afraid of putting it out there, because whatever I create stays in the world and then people can *gasp* pass judgement on what I've made. And then if they don't like it I'll just <i>die.</i><br />
<br />
It's a flippin' phobia. An evil, useless, detrimental, life-sucking phobia combined with a stupid fucking irrational thought.<br />
<br />
And what do we do with phobias we don't want to deal with? Oh, just use everyday responsibilities and stupid excuses to keep away from whatever we're afraid of.<br />
<br />
Huh. I guess a messy house might do that. If I've always got something "more important" to do (after all, "real life" is more important than the "luxury" of creation) then naturally I'll never get around to it.<br />
<br />
Like I said, dumbass.<br />
<br />
So class, how do you fight a phobia?<br />
<br />
Exposure therapy.<br />
<br />
Yeppers. Time to do some exposure therapy.<br />
<br />
So now until I beat the shit out of this phobia I'll need to do two things:<br />
<br />
1. Make something every day.<br />
2. Show that something off one way or another.<br />
3. Notice that the criticism does not kill me or otherwise destroy me.<br />
<br />
Sound like a plan?<br />Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-59062718840167394822012-06-11T21:41:00.001-07:002012-06-11T21:41:51.411-07:00Today's Challenge - Master Bedroom and Bathroom Part 2So today's challenge was the <a href="http://renwife.blogspot.com/2012/06/todays-challenge-master-bedroom.html">master bedroom and bathroom</a>.<br />
<br />
How did I do?<br />
<br />
Well, like normal my ambitions and expectations far exceeded my actual competence at the moment. To be honest, the expectation that I would finish in one day was a little silly as it was. That I started at 11 am didn't help.<br />
<br />
Then, about 2 pm when the time for my second adderall of the day came around, I realized I was in pain. Really bad background pain.<br />
<br />
Mel's rule #1: Don't suffer needlessly.<br />
Mel's rule #2: Don't make the week suffer for the day's sake, i.e. don't kill your productivity for the week by killing yourself reaching productivity for the day.<br />
<br />
About 4 pm the Midol and ibuprofen finally kicked in. Oh, and the Dr. Pepper and Reese's. Yes, that kind of pain.<br />
<br />
So back to the work I went.<br />
<br />
I always attack trash and "misfits" first. Misfits are those things that I want to keep, but aren't in their assigned place or even assigned room. Dirty laundry and dishes also fit on that list (unless they're in the laundry room and kitchen, respectively).<br />
<br />
Soon the bed was covered with misfits:<br />
<br />
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<br />
Cleaning out under the bed yielded even more trash and misfits.<br />
<br />
Dealing with the trash was simple. Out to the truck it went so I could take it to the transfer station in the morning.<br />
<br />
The misfits however... many of them don't have a place as of yet, and my organizing areas are already pretty badly backlogged with other stuff waiting re-assignment and final placement. I couldn't very well leave them on the bed, and I couldn't take them somewhere else... so the boxes ended up back against the wall. Grrr.<br />
<br />
Now most people wait to vacuum or sweep until the end but I find a clear and clean floor to be much more pleasant and motivating than waiting. So I brought up the Dyson and went to town.<br />
<br />
Now, having completed the vacuuming, I had to face the facts; it was too late in the day, and I was too tired, to finish all I had planned.<br />
<br />
Grrr.<br />
<br />
At times like this when I notice my energy and motivation are on their last legs I make a short little list of what I think I can finish. The list contains three projects: something I can finish in 15 minutes or less that I won't need to touch again, something that will gratify me and fill me with delight in the morning, and something that if I don't finish it will annoy the hell out of me.<br />
<br />
The 15 minute project I chose involved making a permanent place for all of the doggie toys I'd discovered while cleaning. Like all 15 minute projects it had a definite set of criteria: must be a permanent solution and must not use or require anything I don't have on hand. For the storage to work it needed to be usable by our smallest dog and be simple and complete.<br />
<br />
An old laundry basket I had on hand fit the bill perfectly:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYT5kqP76tHS_QnoWY1eIszF-MDcYw5XDrYEiFE9PyNMvP2FUdoiFns6afwVEVKVsfOMHzmlrOdERSPEAmw2ar6Vk5rUJMQToyjl0bpxHfhXAT3Q3Ub_av_xpeBUIoARrKy26KjGUHko/s1600/2012-06-11_18-38-14_441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYT5kqP76tHS_QnoWY1eIszF-MDcYw5XDrYEiFE9PyNMvP2FUdoiFns6afwVEVKVsfOMHzmlrOdERSPEAmw2ar6Vk5rUJMQToyjl0bpxHfhXAT3Q3Ub_av_xpeBUIoARrKy26KjGUHko/s320/2012-06-11_18-38-14_441.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
For the gratifying project I chose setting up my vanity. The vanity had similar criteria; easy to do and only involving materials on hand. A folding table and folding chair worked well:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL-zLUNT4B4vZHzLHhWqgg3gtfuK7R1ra9nkvUkf5iUtHzTy82ZcSL0XDsYaIcTrOrlZ_82wHjXCBrshj874JZ6JJNrWwG3VIqU5IhfUKKihKCdKS4PkBLuSGuDB64fa8GjYnSVivrkEQ/s1600/2012-06-11_18-55-21_752.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL-zLUNT4B4vZHzLHhWqgg3gtfuK7R1ra9nkvUkf5iUtHzTy82ZcSL0XDsYaIcTrOrlZ_82wHjXCBrshj874JZ6JJNrWwG3VIqU5IhfUKKihKCdKS4PkBLuSGuDB64fa8GjYnSVivrkEQ/s320/2012-06-11_18-55-21_752.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
From left to right: makeup brushes, hair items, face cream, hand towel, phone charger, radio/speaker, mirror, internet connection stuff, makeup drawers under table.<br />
<br />
As for the last project, I REALLY wanted to at least mostly take care of the bathroom so I wouldn't need to look at it's current state.<br />
<br />
At this time Chris called saying he was leaving work. That left me an hour and half to clean the bathroom, clean myself up, and make dinner.<br />
<br />
I gave myself 40 minutes for the bathroom, which mostly did the trick:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWvRvvsSv24AOTIddi1A9l787U7XyHc6IZvY9dRoJ9EcAYaNzNOhkpPoiOXZeJ4h-qoJKp81yyKm5ITd4wZdXZpx4MOwKgQUEiohV-FVTJcHcuNbbKhB6I4KiojVagfnWWUaiqGHjAmM/s1600/2012-06-11_19-41-08_870.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWvRvvsSv24AOTIddi1A9l787U7XyHc6IZvY9dRoJ9EcAYaNzNOhkpPoiOXZeJ4h-qoJKp81yyKm5ITd4wZdXZpx4MOwKgQUEiohV-FVTJcHcuNbbKhB6I4KiojVagfnWWUaiqGHjAmM/s320/2012-06-11_19-41-08_870.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
I'll have to deal with the organization, floor and soap ring in the tub later, but everything else is clean.<br />
<br />
That left me 50 minutes to jump in the shower (desperately needed at this point) and make dinner.<br />
<br />
Thank God dinner was simple, and only needed half an hour.<br />
<br />
I was dressed, made up, and had dinner waiting when he walked through the door.<br />
<br />
Only one thing remained: a huge pile of laundry and dishes left on the bed. 15 minutes took care of that:<br />
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So current state of bedroom:<br />
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Clean floor, very little organization. Ugh.<br />
<br />
So what I learned today:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Stop expecting perfection.</li>
<li>Stop expecting projects to take half the time they'll actually take.</li>
<li>Remember that I'm not always at my best.</li>
<li>Make cleaning easy to pick up again, and organization easy to pick up where you left off.</li>
</ul>
<div>
All in all, not a bad start.</div>Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-53030050111602338602012-06-11T11:28:00.001-07:002012-06-11T21:16:38.425-07:00Today's Challenge - Master Bedroom & Bathroom Part 1Shortly before we moved to the Inland Northwest, my best friend had an idea.<br />
<br />
Knowing my apparent inability to keep things in the household clean and organized, she suggested that I take pictures once a month of my progress and send them to her.<br />
<br />
I did not do that. Irrational beliefs concerning well, a lot of things, kept me from doing so.<br />
<br />
However, I must admit she had a point.<br />
<br />
So I'm going to take her idea, and make it BIGGER.<br />
<br />
Thus, Today's Challenge is born. I will take photos of one area of the house I want to complete clean out, redo, etc and post them.<br />
<br />
I will include why it's a challenge, and what I intend to do about the challenge.<br />
<br />
Later, I will follow up with my progress and what I learned.<br />
<br />
So today we're doing the master bedroom and bathroom:<br />
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Storage by door</div>
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Closet</div>
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Corner (note short wall)</div>
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Part of floor</div>
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Internet equipment</div>
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Shoes</div>
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Chris's side with To Read pile</div>
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Master bathroom</div>
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Master bathroom</div>
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The issues:<br />
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<li>Two adults with ADHD, one space. Any organizational system must be simple, memorable by both, and extremely visual.</li>
<li>Too much stuff, too little space, no organization.</li>
<li>Too many hats; we've used the master bedroom for SO many things, including Chris's office when he was working from home AND a music space. We need to reduce the number of things we use the master bedroom for.</li>
<li>Odd room design; as you can see the master bedroom is the loft in a chalet style home. The walls are short. The closet is short in height, but extends back to the short wall leaving a bunch of semi-useless space.</li>
<li>The master bath only has room for one person to get ready at a time. In the morning that can be an issue.</li>
<li>The useful part of the closet that we can reach (i.e. where the clothes are hanging) is full of clothes and there are more clean clothes to put away.</li>
<li>My shoe collection is large and haphazard at the moment.</li>
<li>I don't have anywhere but the bathroom to put on my makeup, there's no room in the bathroom FOR my makeup, and I want to put on my makeup while Chris is getting ready in the morning.</li>
<li>Chris's "To Read" pile is sky high, as is the pile of magazines he hasn't read yet.</li>
<li>There is no good established way to deal with dirty laundry.</li>
<li>The internet connection equipment is stored in the master bedroom for good reason, and cannot be moved to another room.</li>
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The good:</div>
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<li>There's plenty of space if used properly.</li>
<li>There's some blank wall space.</li>
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What I've done before this point:</div>
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<li>Shoe rack for the door. I'm not happy with it as a permanent solution.</li>
<li>Organized both sides of the closet, complete with labels. Chris's clothing runs professional to casual from left to right, making getting dressed for work very easy. His socks and underwear are in the hanging shoe organizer, tshirts shorts and jeans in the sweater organizer. We've run out of room on his side, despite removing items that don't fit. My side runs from dresses to tops and lingerie, with panties and bras in shoe organizers. I've also run out of room.</li>
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My plan:</div>
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<li>Take out anything that doesn't belong. All papers, all office equipment except internet connection equipment. Bedroom is for sleeping (and other related activities), clothing, and getting ready in the morning. Chris's laptop must stay because, well, it must.</li>
<li>Set up a makeup vanity where the internet equipment is now, with allowances for the equipment. Move all makeup to drawer cart stored under vanity.</li>
<li>Take out the black wire shelves by the door and replace with a 9 cube cubby shelving unit for the extra clothing. Mount curtain rods above the shelving for my shoes.</li>
<li>Take excess clothing out of closet so everything is easier to reach. Clean out back of closet which is currently unused. Turn back of closet into world's most soundproof meditation space (seriously).</li>
<li>Pare Chris's To Read pile and move excess to eventual home of all books, aka Basement Hall Storage Area.</li>
<li>Set up permanent clothes hamper for dirty clothes.</li>
<li>Clean out bathroom; remove all unnecessary duplicates and empty containers. Organize medicine cabinet and drawers in a useful fashion.</li>
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<br />Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-25607562075407101932012-06-11T10:35:00.000-07:002012-06-11T10:35:02.450-07:00On Fixing Yourself<span style="text-align: left;">I am currently fighting through the middle of what could be charitably called a "life transition".</span><br />
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Heh. That phrase doesn't include any swear words. The way I'd really like to put it is at least 99% vulgarity.</div>
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I'm attempting to "un-fuck" myself.</div>
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The term "un-fuck" is very, very important. It alludes to the fact that due to how I handled my life mentally and emotionally, I managed to extremely fuck up how I handle myself and by extension, the rest of the world. Yes, there were outside circumstances; biology, culture, how I was raised, etc. Those are external factors and they strongly influenced how I dealt with my brain and my emotions.</div>
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But the reality is I still made a choice (even if the choices available weren't awesome) and fucked myself in the head and the emotions.</div>
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Accepting that I MADE those choices and CREATED the mental and emotional structure that followed does not absolve those influences from responsibility. It just emphasizes the fact that if I MADE the choices and CREATED those internal structures, I can DESTROY and REPLACE those structures that leave me mentally and emotionally fucked up.</div>
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Therefore, the quest to un-fuck myself. Could use the word normalize, but that doesn't work. No one is "normal" and no person is completely the same as everyone else. I could use the term "sanity" but that's also nebulous and open to interpretation.</div>
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No, the answer is not to chase a nebulous concept, because you'll never get there. The answer is to chase something not nebulous; something definable. So the quest is not sanity; the quest is to eradicate every way in which I internally fuck myself over.</div>
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Problem is, I do that in so many, many ways.</div>
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In order to understand what I'm doing, I need to back up a bit and explain the surface issues.</div>
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I have ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactive disorder), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and an extremely high IQ (155 or so as of last testing).</div>
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ADHD is a congenital difference in the structure of the brain that leads to difficulty managing attention and focus (look, a shiny!) combined with several other traits. It's structural, and chemical, and treatable. However, as of yet it's not <i>curable. </i>Let's not get into the concept of "curable", that pisses me off as much as "normal" does.</div>
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Generalized Anxiety Disorder is what it sounds like; anxiety over EVERYTHING. It's basis is a mix of structural (some people are more prone), chemical (ditto), and learned behaviors.</div>
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High IQ, once thought to be unchanging and entirely structural, is a mix of structural differences in the brain and practice using those differences. You can decrease or increase your IQ through using or not using your brain, but some people have an easier time due to being born with the structures that make it easier. For example, the kid with a naturally high IQ whose parents encourage (or don't prohibit) reading at an early age will find using that IQ easier than the kid who had no access to books at an early age. However, the kid with no access can increase their tested IQ rather rapidly once they learn to read and manage access to books themselves.</div>
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Of that mix of traits/conditions/whatever, there's a mixture of what is fixed (structural differences in the brain), what can be influenced (chemicals, neural pathways), and what I can outright change (learned behaviors).</div>
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In order to understand how I've decided to attack these issues head-on, it's useful to review my personal reading and podcast listening for the last 6 months:</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_9?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=uncertainty+turning+fear+and+doubt+into+fuel+for+brilliance&sprefix=uncertain%2Caps%2C200">Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Control-Your-Anxiety-Before-Controls/dp/0806521368/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339431794&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+control+your+anxiety+before+it+controls+you">How to Control Your Anxiety Before it Controls You</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Project-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339431766&sr=8-1&keywords=the+happiness+project">The Happiness Project</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CFQQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.accidentalcreative.com%2F&ei=jxzWT7a1OOaW2QWJ8pisDw&usg=AFQjCNGO7aWwniKlGsklslV_J_Fj48Qmyw&sig2=XlXXo6UxE5jBUevELdBhdA">The Accidental Creative Podcast</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CGAQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fgetitdone.quickanddirtytips.com%2F&ei=eRzWT7LKJ4qt6AHQj6SoAw&usg=AFQjCNGapiaJd3PlUOWd4vuxJ-0L7je3YA&sig2=NWNYBts9J_yrhGpB_HCldA">The Get-it-Done Guy Podcast</a></div>
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<a href="http://adultadhdbook.com/uncategorized/introduction-to-the-podcast-a-million-things-to-make-your-life-better/">The More Attention, Less Deficit Podcast</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/More-Attention-Less-Deficit-Strategies/dp/1886941742/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339431825&sr=1-1&keywords=more+attention+less+deficit">More Attention, Less Deficit</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Your-Better-Using-strategies-adult/dp/1937600432/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339431915&sr=1-7&keywords=add+adult">Your Life Can Be Better</a> (a book on ADD)</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Compulsive-Hoarding-Meaning-Things/dp/B0051BNVQI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339431970&sr=1-1&keywords=stuff">Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things</a><br /></div>
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Believe it or not, all of these intersect.</div>
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The Get-it-Done Guy Podcast is what got me into podcasts in a major way. It also taught me the many small ways in which I can improve life, 5 minutes at a time. That's when I discovered I keep my attention better while listening to other people speak, preferably about real things. That led me to the Accidental Creative, which speaks specifically about setting up life so you can be your most creative. More Attention, Less Deficit is of course about ADHD, but less about the WHY and more about the HOW. So is Your Life Can Be Better.</div>
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Uncertainty is quite possible one of the best books ever, as it explores how to take the natural anxiety created by creative work and turn it into something useful. The Happiness Project is about exploring creating, well, happiness. </div>
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These concepts all together can be summed up in one phrase: you can make yourself improve your life by improving yourself first.</div>
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The real kicker though was reading (actually listening to) How to Control Your Anxiety Before it Controls You back to back with Stuff.</div>
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How to Control Your Anxiety is written by <a href="http://www.rebt.org/">Albert Ellis</a>, who is somewhat of a well-know fixture of the psychiatric community. He is a psychiatrist who developed his own form of therapy for anxiety in order to treat himself for the condition. He came up with Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, or <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CGEQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FRational_emotive_behavior_therapy&ei=nB7WT--UMsmC2wWG1vyNCw&usg=AFQjCNFCD4jP4QY3NRNSsq2DRFljw0GAKA&sig2=tftqkAW6L9wcziMnr_aN5g">REBT</a>.</div>
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REBT is based on the theory that most unrealistic anxiety is caused by what Ellis calls "irrational beliefs" and therefore most anxiety can be treated or eradicated completely by replacing irrational beliefs with rational beliefs. Unlike most anxiety treatments that focus on "why" (tell me about your mother), REBT focuses on "how" the anxiety is triggered and treats the anxiety directly.</div>
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So directly after How to Control Your Anxiety, I listened to Stuff.</div>
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Oh boy.</div>
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I'm not a hoarder, but I do have hoarding tendencies I fight with on a continual basis. Stuff is full of the extreme examples of hoarding but unlike other books of its kind, it focuses on how the hoarders talk about their hoarding and respond to their hoarding. In that way, it does focus on "why" but it also uncovers the beliefs the hoarders have about their possessions.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Light bulb</i>.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Here they were, a whole bunch of examples of people being fucked up by irrational beliefs, all laid out in a row for me to ponder. Some of the beliefs sounded REALLY familiar.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So the intersection of all of these things looks something like this:</div>
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Irrational beliefs needing to be replaced by rational beliefs +</div>
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Strategies for dealing with anxiety +</div>
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Strategies for dealing with ADHD + </div>
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Strategies for increasing creative energy and controlling mindset +</div>
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Concept of creating own happiness +</div>
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Look how badly you can fuck up your life with your beliefs</div>
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= maybe I can change those things in my life that make me miserable by changing myself first</div>
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<br /></div>
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Thus, the un-fucking project.</div>
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WHY versus HOW</div>
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I'd been focusing way too much on WHY things were the way they were. Knowing why is very important; in fact most therapy focuses on why.</div>
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I'd really, really tapped WHY and had run out of its usefulness.</div>
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<br /></div>
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REBT's method is very simple:</div>
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1. Identify the situations that make you anxious</div>
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ex: public speaking</div>
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2. Identify the thought or belief that leads to the anxiety</div>
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ex: oh God I have to do this speech perfectly or they'll laugh at me and I'll be so embarrassed</div>
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3. Identify a rational belief that would better serve you and not make you as anxious</div>
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ex: I'd like to do this speech perfectly but it I don't I can handle the criticism and its no big deal</div>
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4. Replace the irrational belief with the rational belief through several methods</div>
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<br /></div>
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One of these methods is the dispute, where you show the irrational belief to be false on a logical and empirical basis, and detrimental on a utility basis.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ah, utility. My new best friend.</div>
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Nothing, nothing has been more eye-opening than looking at my beliefs and behavior through the lens of utility. Is it useful? Does it help me or make things more difficult? Fuck right or wrong, does this FUCK ME UP?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Thus, the concept of un-fucking my mental and emotional processes. Not trying to "fix" me based on a standard. Not trying to reach "sanity" or "normal". Just <i>am I helping myself or getting in my own way?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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And if whatever I am doing doesn't work, what am I going to do instead?</div>
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* * *</div>
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<br /></div>
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So this has been my transition. Every time I come across a snag in my behavior that causes me issues, I chase that bitch down. Sometimes it's as simple as "I thought this would work better than it did. Oh well, let's look at what went wrong, why it went wrong, and develop another method".</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sometimes things don't work because I'm trying someone else's method and my mind doesn't work that way. Then I look at what the method attempts to accomplish then find another way to get to the endpoint that works for me. That means accepting the parts of my brain that I can't change and finding a way to deal. This is where understanding the creative process helps, because I'm constantly creating ways to do things that work for me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sometimes it's an anxiety or a bad reaction due to internal programming (once again something I did myself, therefore I can UNDO) so I chase the programming down and either replace it or toss it completely.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've done my best to keep track. I've got tons of disputes saved on my computer. I'm trying to keep track of my work process and analyze it for what works. I'm doing my best to fix issues as they pop up. I've even created a subliminal message track on my phone (recorded by me and played at barely audible levels) in order to implant my new rational beliefs in my head (preceded by the all-important "I discard my faulty and limited framework and embrace my open and clear mind". No conflicting messages thankyouverymuch).</div>
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All of this is working. It's working to various degrees, but it's working.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I did not properly prepare myself for how much it would suck.</div>
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Why do people keep irrational beliefs and fucked up mental and emotional frameworks to begin with? Easy.</div>
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They get to be right.</div>
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Every time the self-fulfilling prophecy gets fulfilled, you get to feel justified. Whenever something is fucked up "because you're a bad person and deserve it", you get the warm feeling of being right and understanding the world. Yes, it's fucked up. It's still self-reinforcing and gives the brain a feeling of understanding the world.</div>
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Take that away, and you're adrift. There's not enough evidence to rebuild your understanding of reality (since reality actually exists somewhere other than your head now) and you no longer spend all your time being right. You now see all of the possibilities you blinded yourself to before, but now that you're not emotionally invested in how horrible or awesome you are you can see yourself for who you are. Now that you understand your every thought and action doesn't fundamentally change reality, you have to face your lack of control over the world.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Who you are right now is someone who is learning just what you are capable of, and just how far you've got to go until your competence reaches your capability and your ambitions.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Accepting that you can change your thoughts and behaviors, deal with the parts of you that won't change, influence the parts you can influence, and outright change the parts you can change, you hit a wall of realization.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There is so much you can do to improve, so much room to improve, and you are an absolute newbie with no experience. You grasp that you can understand e=mc2, but first you need to learn to add and subtract.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That's where I am at this moment. The initial boost of understanding I can change all of these things has worn off and now I see just how much work there is to do before I see the huge gains I desperately want to see.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm eyeing the 200 lbs on the weight rack and knowing I can get there, but right now the 20 lbs I'm lifting is making me sore. Intellectually I know I'm doing the right thing but without the immediate reinforcement of success I need to force myself through every step.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I've needed to rejigger my expectations and my milestones. 200 lbs is still my goal, but I've set interim goals at 30, 40, 50 and on up. I need my way-points, I need my encouragement to get over the fact that I'm sore and discouraged.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Plans are a constant part of life. I need to pull out and review my goals and processes and plans on a continual basis to remind myself why I'm working so hard and what my end goal looks like and why it will be awesome once I get there.</div>
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I'll get there. Maybe not immediately, but I'll get there.</div>
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I know this for sure: no matter how bad I feel right now, getting through this process will end much better than spending one more day gripped by depression and anxiety.</div>
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I can make my life better by starting with me.</div>
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P.S. As an aside, my dear husband is a fucking saint for putting up with this entire process, not trying to interject himself into the process, and praising my small accomplishments when he sees them. Thank you love.</div>Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-27509447698300141872012-05-08T20:51:00.000-07:002012-05-08T20:51:45.835-07:00Mel Want - Penti by Kenan Dogulu Mel LOVE:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.penti.com/penti-by-kenan-do-ulu.html?___store=english&___from_store=default"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://www.penti.com/media/catalog/product/cache/2/image/350x450/75e1ac7fd76d6fab9e8f98ad41f05303/p/c/pclpkdok12iy.jpg" width="496" /></a></div>
<br />
No, I'd probably never wear them, but since when does that matter?<br />
<br />
I love a bunch of the styles <a href="http://www.pentiusa.com/eticaret/index.php">Penti</a> offers. In fact, the Penti storefront in Cambridge Square ended up being one of the few stops I made on my tourist expedition in Boston at which I actually <i>bought </i>something (several things actually). That storefront is like a candy store for the hosiery-obsessed; walls full of every style in every color in every size.<br />
<br />
Well, every style except this one anyway. Like quite a few manufacturers, Turkey-based Penti doesn't offer <i>all </i>of its styles in the US. One of the Madonna/ whore complex issues that plagues the lingerie markets in the US. The American woman's tendency to only buy practical, slutty, or luxury lingerie kinda screws manufacturers over. There's not near enough call for the whimsical, therefore not enough profit to stock American stores with the nifty.<br />
<br />
But that's a rant for another day.<br />
<br />
I may not be able to buy these as easily in the US, but that doesn't stop me from wanting.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-52840925187354350072012-05-07T18:08:00.002-07:002012-05-07T18:08:16.821-07:00PerfectionismAs long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist.<br />
<br />
Perfectionism as far as I can tell is not my natural state. Some people are born with the insatiable need to set the world to order and make everything as symmetric as possible; one of my friends in high school would take an entire bag of skittles, pour it out, line the candies up by color, then eat the extras until each color had the same amount and then eat them, in order.<br />
<br />
I'm more of the scorched earth kind of person myself. Hell, I'm a Sagitarrius and even if you don't buy into all of the astrology stuff being a fire sign suits me. I'm fickle, tend to burn too bright and too hot and then get too cold, and almost nothing I do has a clean edge. Perfect is not a word in my natural vocabulary.<br />
<br />
But I am, nonetheless, a perfectionist.<br />
<br />
So this weekend ended up being kind of a watershed moment for me. Chris and I got into an argument (all of our arguments start the same way btw, with my own insecurities) about why I had thus far been unable to accomplish as much in the household as we had both hoped. This is a recurring feature of our life together because, honestly, I suck at cleaning.<br />
<br />
Actually, suck is too kind of a word. I half-heartedly attempt to clean, then wipe out all of my own progress, <i>unconsciously.</i><br />
<br />
I don't plan to make the mess worse than before, I just <i>do.</i><br />
<br />
This particular iteration of the "Chris brings it up, Mel feels awful, Mel strikes back, Chris gets upset" cycle happened while sitting in front of a local restaurant on Saturday. I don't know how we got there, but during this set Chris had his own major realization about <i>why</i>.<br />
<i> </i><br />
Why, in this case, turned out to be my complete lack of mental tools needed to get the job done. I have no critical thinking skills to speak of, no process planning skills, and no quality control skills. I know things go wrong, but I never do the necessary steps to determine the problem and fix the process. So each time something goes wrong, I feel utterly helpless and like an utter failure. Add in ADHD complete with its memory glitches and nothing ever gets better. It should be noted, this is a failure in the mental process far before where most organizational systems pick up so my years of trying to organize my life didn't do a damn thing.<br />
<br />
Right now he's working on teaching me the necessary skills for process planning and analysis while adapting what he knows for use with my particular flavor of ADHD. We've started with the Deming Cycle (plan-do-study-act) and we're going from there.<br />
<br />
That brings us to today. Chris is at work, I'm attempting to take care of the items on my to-do list (and failing horribly) but also adding in the Deming Cycle, specifically the part where I <i>study</i>. I study why things didn't go the way I'd planned and identify a possible solution.<br />
<br />
So far today I'd managed to take two different problems and apply those steps. The first problem, losing 2 hours of time to a case of overfocus, I was unable to fix on the spot. However, I've come up with a plan to keep it from happening again. The second problem I managed to fix during the process. I left Walmart craving Taco Bell for lunch and, instead of just buy it, I identified <i>why</i> the craving existed and elected instead to stop at Safeway for a healthier lunchtime dose of crunchy/salty/creamy in the form of homemade tacos (much cheaper and satisfying long run).<br />
<br />
That brought me to the afternoon and my review of my to-do list.<br />
<br />
One item on my to-do list stuck out and haunted me. Call the bank and get the debit cards fixed.<br />
<br />
See, when the IRS fucked up our accounts our debit cards for our household and Chris's personal accounts got canceled. I need to call and get new cards issued.<br />
<br />
I don't want to do it. So I sat there trying to force myself to pick up the phone and call the number, all the while playing the theoretical conversation in my head.<br />
<br />
"Sorry, I need new debit cards because the IRS seized our bank accounts and I couldn't fix it for months. Please send us new cards."<br />
<br />
It stopped being "didn't want to call" and started being "terrified of calling."<br />
<br />
This terror was the hangup in my PDSA cycle. I needed to study the problem and determine the best solution.<br />
<br />
An hour later I'd managed to make my waterproof mascara run. I started bawling the moment I realized what I was feeling.<br />
<br />
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* * *</div>
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<br /></div>
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Terror. Terror of admitting my faults to another person, no matter how much a stranger.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I asked myself, what do I think will happen? That if they know the IRS screwed us over and I'm just now fixing it that the knowledge of my screw ups alone will kill me? Will they think I'm a bad person that deserves to be destroyed? Do I really think a stranger will kill me because of a mistake?</div>
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Honestly, yes. Deep down I think any imperfection is a death sentence.</div>
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I remember Saturday sitting in the truck, Chris having his "aha" moment, and me sobbing about how terrified I was of him finding out how flawed and inadequate I am. Terror that if he ever figures it out, I will be cast aside because I'm imperfect. Nevermind that he's figured that out many times over and I'm still here, it's the fear that rules me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Terror that the banker on the phone will kill me once they know. Terror that admitting I'm wrong is worthy of an execution. Terror terror terror.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I shut off the TV, put down the computer, went upstairs, kicked the dogs out of the bedroom, closed the door, and laid down in the silence to contemplate <i>why.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Smart phones can be dangerous, but helpful, tools. I couldn't figure out why my perfectionism was so intense, and why it existed, so I started looking for answers. One quote stopped me in my mental tracks:</div>
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<i> </i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>"</i><a href="http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10374.aspx">The root of perfectionism is a sense of conditional acceptance.</a>"</div>
</blockquote>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I'd been looking for a decision I'd made, or a fatal character flaw in my search for the root of my perfectionism. I'd been looking too high in the mental process.<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Oh, I knew my upbringing had a lot to do with the perfectionism. However, I'd always put it in terms of something I'd thought of, a decision I had come to, a way of looking at the world that I'd developed from a lack of complete info.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
A <i>sense</i> is something else entirely.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The same article goes on to say:</div>
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<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Perfectionism</b>, then, <b>is a relational issue</b>
and not something that arises solely on its own or within a person.
There are several environments in which perfectionism can arise, but
they all share the sense that acceptance, or harmony, or safety within
the family, are dependent on how a family member performs.
</div>
<div class="gtc_p">
<b>Freeing our families from perfectionism is less
about finding the right thing to do, and more about creating an
environment of acceptance</b>. Of course, it is also important to
challenge our children, and ourselves, to reevaluate our beliefs and
change our behaviors. Its important to be clear that we love our
children whatever they do or do not accomplish. They should know that
mistakes are a part of everyone's life and that these mistakes can
always form a basis for learning. All of the behavioral and cognitive
interventions we can think of to help our children will become most
useful in an environment in which their feeling of acceptance is secure.
Absent this, explaining to a perfectionistic child that she needn't
worry so much is simply heard as one more criticism.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="gtc_p">
This was enough to dredge up decades of pain and bring it all to the forefront.<br />
<br />
I grew up in a household that, for a myriad of reasons, did not show love in ways that I understood innately. I can see the proof of love now, with an adult perspective, but I did not see it then. </div>
<div class="gtc_p">
<br /></div>
<div class="gtc_p">
Out of the <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/">5 love languages</a> (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch) I only innately understood words and touch. "I love you" was a phrase never heard in my household growing up, and for some reason both of my parents feared showing physical affection. Actually, both my parents feared quite a lot and were perfectionists in their own right.<br />
<br />
I was starved for a sense of love and affection so I went looking for both, all of the time. The only thing I could do that kinda sorta worked was do something well, and <i>maybe</i> get some praise out of it. Words of praise were scant, but they did happen. Unfortunately praise was usually followed with criticism so I spent most of my time starved for emotional connection. In school I ended up an outcast; that didn't help. As for church, well... my religious training was overly evangelistic. Too much emphasis on what you needed to do to go to heaven and who was going to hell, and very little emphasis on God's love. If you're taught that even <i>God</i> won't let you into heaven unless you're really really good, perfect stops being an ideal and starts being a survival strategy. On a deeply emotional level I became convinced love and acceptance come from good works and pleasing the other person and <i>nothing else.</i><br />
<br />
I made such awesome abuser bait. A bit of affection and some pretty words were all it took. Extra bonus points if my pathetic neediness and groveling pleased them at all.<br />
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<i>* * *</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Boyfriend 0 couldn't keep me, he was long distance. Boyfriend 1 couldn't keep me either; I'm a natural submissive and he couldn't dominate worth a crap. Boyfriend 2 left me broken hearted; he cheated on me. I know now it's because, at that time, I didn't really exist as a person to him. I still thought it was my fault (after all, I was responsible for whether or not someone accepted me). </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
That big breakup happened while I was away at college, and during this time my parents sold my childhood home and moved. I got relegated to a cot in a living room. No arrangements made for me whatsoever, and no sense of roots or family cohesiveness to keep me there.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Boyfriend 0 started looking really, really good at that point, and all it took was some pretty words of love and a promise of acceptance. I was off to a foreign country to get married.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Wait, that's not the whole story. In a weird transition time between deciding to get married and actually doing so, I met Jose.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I'd picked up a temp job while living with my best friend's family (also temporary). I met Jose working the graveyard shift at a manufacturing plant. There was something about him, and we hit it off (I now know it was self-confidence and ambition, both of which draw me like a moth to a flame). One day the fledgling friendship turned into something more hot and heavy. We both insisted it was just "a thing" and it didn't mean anything. Even though we were spending more and more time together and sleep was a distant memory. It didn't help that he'd opened with "I don't believe in love or marriage."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I still planned to leave and get married.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There was a moment (actually more than a few moments) he could have gotten me to stay. I really wanted to stay, and he kept talking about how I should stay, for all of those *other* people in my life. He'd even been trying to get other people to convince me to stay, as I found out later. But he wouldn't say the words "I want you to stay" or "I love you". At that point I had such low self-esteem that even triggering the sub in me by simply saying "Stay" would have worked. But he wouldn't say the words.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So I packed up my bags and left for Canada to go be with abusive first husband like I'd already planned.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Still one of the top 10 stupidest things I've ever done. But the perfectionist in me couldn't stand the thought of destroying my original plan or re-evaluating my assumptions or displeasing someone for whom my pleasing them filled an emotional need.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The good part of what happened with Jose? Even though I ended up losing one of the best friends I'd ever had over my decision to go anyway, the memory of how well he treated me is what pulled me out of my abusive first marriage. Even if it wasn't "love" (and I will now debate that until the ends of the earth) he still treated me like a human being.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
14 months after leaving my ex-husband, I met Chris and got my needs to love and be loved and submit in a good healthy way met. Being a sub stopped being a way to get abused and started being a way to heal instead, and I finally felt fully accepted (or as much as I could anyway.)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I still lived in terror that one day he would see me for who I really was and cast me out. After all, if I'm not perfect, I might lose that acceptance. Or at least that's what the deepest, most primal part of me still thought.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * *</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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If <i>"</i><a href="http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10374.aspx">The root of perfectionism is a sense of conditional acceptance.</a>", it seems the solution and cure isn't to treat the symptom that is perfectionism (although many, many people have tried). The solution is to change the base premise of acceptance being conditional.</div>
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I must change my sense of acceptance to something unconditional and unchanging.</div>
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First off, I need to change my sense of God's love to something unconditional and my sense of entry to heaven to something New Testament instead of Old. I must change salvation by works to salvation by love. This shouldn't be too difficult; Grace has now entered my life enough times to beat me over the head with God's unconditional love. Given the number of times God has pulled my ass out of the fire His love can't possible be based on my being perfect (or even competent).</div>
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Second, I need to hammer into my own heart that even should the rest of the world shun me tomorrow, I will still live and be okay because <i>I </i>accept me. I am there for myself no matter what, and I can depend on myself no matter what.</div>
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If I wouldn't say it to anyone else, I can't say it to myself. If I wouldn't hold anyone else to the same standards, I can't hold myself to those standards. If I can declare someone else's work good and correct despite errors, I can do the same for mine. If I can look past someone else's mistakes, I can look past mine.</div>
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If I can love and accept someone else despite their faults, I can love and accept myself despite my faults.</div>
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Maybe then I can cure my perfectionism. At the very least life will suck much, much less.</div>
</div>Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1653450853537244535.post-30920311936615486792012-05-03T15:40:00.000-07:002012-05-03T15:40:02.902-07:00Executive Wife Envy and Stupid AssumptionsI used to hate on executive spouses, specifically executive wives.<br />
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Executive, common definition:
<br />
<blockquote>
executive [ɪgˈzɛkjʊtɪv]
n
1.
a. a person or group <i><b>responsible</b></i> for the administration of a project, activity, or business
b. (as modifier) executive duties an executive position.</blockquote>
My definition:<br />
executive: a person in an organization who <br />
<ol>
<li>is responsible if things get messed up (often in a very public way)</li>
<li>makes the same base amount of money regardless of hours (aka salaried)</li>
<li>can in theory make much more depending on incentives (aka bonus, stock shares) </li>
<li>is consistently on call because of said responsibility</li>
<li>spends all of their time leading, forging new paths, and creating new opportunities... that is, when they're not too busy dealing with bureaucratic nonsense, putting out fires, and complying with whichever new law Congress passed this week</li>
<li>the poor person with a company-paid cell phone and laptop with push email notifications and an inherent inability to truly "get away from it all"</li>
<li>the person who gets publicly canned if something, anything, goes horribly wrong </li>
</ol>
Note, this definition applies to everyone from the CEO of a major corporation (and CTO's, CIO's, CFO's, etc all the way down) to the sole owner of a small business (farm, restaurant, etc.).<br />
<br />
I used to think executives were vicious, money-grubbing, trampling-on-the-little-people capitalist bastards.<br />
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Until I married one.<br />
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Executive spouse, my old definition<br />
<ol>
<li>trophy wife</li>
<li>stay at home wife/husband/partner</li>
<li>baby-maker</li>
<li>homemaker</li>
<li>dependent female</li>
<li>spoiled brat who doesn't need to work 'cause spouse works for everything </li>
</ol>
My new definition:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>spouse whose duties comprise of running a household and taking care of matters executive cannot take care of</li>
<li>appointment maker, chauffeur, child care specialist, pet care specialist, family organizer, nurse, lawn and garden care specialist, person who waits at home for the repairman, emergency contact</li>
<li>spouse whose necessary qualities are complete flexibility combined with patience, grace, and the restraint required to not throw the offending Blackberry in the lake while on vacation</li>
<li>the one who "handles it" so the executive can focus on work with the complete trust that the details of their life are handled and their home life is not falling apart</li>
<li>the cheerleader and emotional support of the executive</li>
<li>the person who "executes" all duties pertaining to home and family </li>
</ol>
I used to absolutely despise executive spouses, specifically executive wives. This probably came from my extreme working-class childhood and spending too many years in Scottsdale surrounded by "trophy wives". I thought they won the spouse lottery and spent all their time living off of the hard work of their spouse while relaxing and wearing designer clothes.<br />
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Then, like marrying an executive changed my perceptions of executives, becoming an executive wife changed my perception of all women in my position. I realize now I based my views on a logical fallacy.<br />
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Logical fallacy: <b>the public front reflects the personal reality</b><br />
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This is the fallacy of "you look like this, therefore you <i>are</i> this". You look like a bum, therefore you are a bum. You look successful, therefore you can easily afford that new car (even if it's not true). You look carefree, therefore you are carefree.<br />
<br />
Hah.<br />
<br />
This is simply not true for the executive spouse. Even if the day has been hell, the kids have been driving you nuts, you've been cleaning dog shit off the porch or cleaning up child vomit, or you've been mowing the lawn all day, that doesn't mean it's acceptable (or a good idea) to look like that's what you've been doing. You may wear many hats, but you can't wear all of them at once. Just like you tell your spouse to "leave work at work", you need to be able to do that as well. That means putting on clean clothes, fixing your makeup, and brushing your hair before the executive gets home.<br />
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There is another, extra part to the equation that often gets missed; the executive is not the only one working their job. Often, the spouse is an integral part of the job. Unlike many other jobs, being an executive isn't about <i>what</i> you do, it's about who you are. A huge part of the job is <i>appearing</i> responsible, capable, reliable, stable, and looking like you have <i>good decision-making skills.</i><br />
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If the executive's spouse shows up at their office with a wailing toddler and a baby in a dirty diaper while wearing sweats and crocs with messed-up hair, that shows badly on the executive. The executive can't even make sure their spouse has good clothes and parenting skills, how can they devote the time and attention needed to that million-dollar contract?<br />
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Yes, the spouse could just avoid going to the office (although sometimes that's really not possible), but they can't avoid all business functions or interacting with the executive's co-workers. Also, if the executive shows up to work in wrinkled clothes with a baby-vomit
stain because they've been too busy taking care of the kids when they
get home, that also reflects badly on their availability and focus.<br />
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Part of the job of the executive's spouse is to handle home matters in such a way that the executive can devote full time and attention to their job. If the ideal is a productive, focused, brilliant executive the best way to achieve that ideal is through a calm, stress-free home life for the executive. That means the spouse must handle everything needed and do it in such a way that the executive feels unencumbered by guilt and worry at work.<br />
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Sweats, crocs, messy hair, messy kids, a messy house, and no clean clothes? Worried and stressed.<br />
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Good clothes, makeup, hair and nails done, clean and happy kids, a tidy house, and a closet full of wrinkle-free business-wear? Relaxed and ready to spend time with the family.<br />
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The "trophy" wife who gets her nails done, does her hair and makeup every day, and wears good clothing? She earns that every day by contributing to the success of her husband. Her day may have been hell and full of challenges, but she will not for a moment burden her husband with what went wrong at her "work" by whining about how hard it is. She may bitch the same way he bitches about whatever irritation happened that day but she will in no way insinuate that she can't handle it.<br />
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She's earned those Manolos she's wearing.<br />
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Now here's my confession: I have yet to earn my stripes in this regard. The same logical fallacy above messed with my head for way too long. I assumed being an executive wife would be easy, because it looks easy. So when I ran into difficulty I assumed it was because I was incompetent and got into a horrendous shame/guilt spiral.<br />
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I never understood that looking so in control and so at ease is a lot of <i>work.</i> The absolute apex of the art of homemaking is making it look easy. The appearance is for the sake of the executive, not the truth of the situation. If I allow myself to look like I've been dealing with chaos all day I'm defeating the purpose of dealing with the chaos: making sure life's little details are handled and there is no undue stress on my already stressed husband.<br />
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Some people turn their money into toys, or entertainment, or outward signs of wealth. People in positions of high responsibility tend to turn their hard-earned cash into peace of mind. The ideal for people who work in high-stress environments is to come home to a stress-free, relaxing, comfortable, drama-free family and house. This is what makes it possible for them to achieve so much at work.<br />
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I've been entrusted by my husband to turn his cash and my time into peace of mind and a harmonious home. I've not been so good at it, but I'm working hard at getting better at my job. I'm even making progress.<br />
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That being said, there's laundry to do, pants to hem, dinner to make, and makeup and hair to touch up before he gets home.Melody Byrnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08135367196079991933noreply@blogger.com2