This past week presented a huge challenge to me personally.

In 5 days my husband goes under the knife for what will most likely be a total thyroidectomy. The tumor is finally coming out. Yay!

There is however a rather un-expected side to the story.

By taking the rate of growth over the tumor between the two ultrasounds so far and assuming that's the fastest it's grown we've determined the tumor probably originated 9-10 years ago and reached a detectable size somewhere around 9 years ago.

So that's how long he went undiagnosed, 8 years or so.

That's... big.

We'd been chasing down the cause of his symptoms for 5 years when the diagnosis finally came in last March. To look at the past and think, "wow how long has this thing been fucking with you" turned out interesting. Symptoms initially assigned to things like prior trauma, age, and stress take on a whole new spin.

Who knows what will happen past surgery? Who knows what will get better? At the very least we'll finally be able to treat the thyroid symptoms, but what else might be improved?

It is both exhilarating, and terrifying.

Most people look to the future with at the very least a naive, deluded idea of what will happen (and most of the time they're mostly right if the status quo is the answer).

Me? I got none of that at the moment. Completely clueless.

It's terrifying and exciting.

There are also other things going on in the background contributing to all of this; Chris is looking for a new job, I'm still working studiously on un-fucking myself, and the entire world seems extremely full of possibility at the moment.

Exhilarating. Terrifying.

I've been jumping between those two feelings all week. I'm raring to go and get the one thing I can pinpoint in my life calendar over and done with. I'm literally counting down the hours.

Wish me luck.